The World Changed 60 Years Ago Yesterday...

On December 23rd, 1947 in a room inside Bell Labs William Shockley, John Bardeen and Walter Brattain demonstrated the first transistor to some of their colleagues (they'd win the Nobel Prize in Physics in 1956). Normally Dauber's World is all for joking and complaining, but on this, the 60th anniversary of the invention of the transistor, Dauber's World would like to pause and think about this remarkable device. Few inventions have so completely revolutionized life in the way the transistor has, while being almost completely anonymous. Penicillin, the light bulb (electricity), the telephone, the airplane, radio/TV, steam engines and some might argue even the printing press were all revolutionary inventions that changed people's lives. However they all did in in a way that is very familiar to us all. Most life-changing inventions are things that we can see, touch and interact with on a daily basis. We all pick up telephones, or ingest Penicillin. The transistor isn't like that. It's a building block in much the same way an atom/molecule is the building block for a chemist a transistor is the building block for the information age. The internet, cell phones, HD TV, and anything with a computer is made possible because of transistors. We use transistors so often in the course of our daily lives that most people have no concept of how ingrained they are. We'd be virtually helpless without them. Almost all technology in existence today is touched by a transistor.

If you're a little geeky (and Dauber's World certainly is, being a EE @ heart) look at this web page on Intel's 45-nm process (nm being 10^-9 m). The Quad Core processors that started shipping in January have over 800 million transistors in them and some chips from other companies have over a billion!

Dauber's World wonders if another invention ever led to as much direct change on the World and fostered so much follow-up innovation as the transistor. Jack Kilby's (of TI) and Robert Noyce's (of Intel) of the integrated circuit (essentially a planar form of the transistor) in 1958 was the key break through that took the transistor to the next level, but it all started 60 years ago yesterday (on Festivus, as if there was any question as to the miraculous nature of the day) in a room in Bell Labs.

Happy Festivus!

Well, it's that time of year and Dauber's World wants to wish you and your loved ones a happy Festivus (official site here). Festivus, if you're not a Seinfeld fan, is a holiday invented by the Seinfeld team. It was the central theme of the episode called "The Strike" which aired a little over 10 years ago (12/18/97).

The best aspects of Festivus (in the humble opinion of Dauber's World) are the airing of grievances and the aluminum pole. In many holiday gathering that Dauber's World has witnessed there's almost always an airing of grievances anyways. Why not just make it official and part of the holiday fun? In the episode Frank Costanza announces that he's going to tell everyone how they've disappointed him over the past year. What better way to close out the year than by telling people how they've let you down? It's a form of therapy really. The aluminum pole is also a stroke of genius. So much of the holiday season seems to be commercial. Nothing is less commercial than an aluminum pole. It also has Frank points out) a high strength-to-weight ratio.

The funny thing about Festivus is how quickly it's caught on. Not only are there online Festivus cards that you can send to people, the two sages from Vermont even made a Festivus-themed ice cream (here's a petition to bring it back).

Well, Dauber's World wants to take this time to thank you (the loyal reader) for reading this blog and encouraging Dauber's World to write more. Hopefully you've been amused reading this in 2007 and you'll continue to read this blog going forward. Have a safe and healthy holidays to you and your loved ones. Happy Festivus!

The Zipper Rule

Sitting in traffic is, for many people, one of the more aggravating parts of their day-to-day lives. It will probably not come as a surprise to you (the loyal reader) that Dauber's World is no exception. Patience is a virtue that must have been handed out in school on a day that Dauber's World was sick. Some traffic just can't be avoided -- crossing the Bay Bridge to go into San Francisco for instance. It doesn't make sitting in traffic enjoyable, but at least it is understandable. There's really nothing you can do about it -- the traffic has to back up someplace. If it didn't back up at the toll plaza it would back up as the traffic got into the city.

What is particularly aggravating are traffic jams that would seem to be completely avoidable. Rubber necking is obviously near the top of the list. Dauber's World is sure that many others have blogged on this already, so it's not worth further mention here (as this blog attempts to be somewhat original).

Equally as frustrating (but discussed far less) are traffic jams caused by merges where drivers don't follow the "Zipper Rule". Dauber's World is reasonably certain that everyone driving an automobile today is familiar with the zipper (unless they're Amish, and the Amish don't drive cars). In addition to being a useful feature on many items that people purchase on a daily basis zippers are reminders of how to easily merge two "streams" into one. As the name would imply, the Zipper Rule simply stipulates that when two streams of cars merge they alternate who gets let into the resulting traffic stream. Dauber's World is perpetually stunned by people who try to buck this trend and attempt to squeeze in one spot ahead of their turn -- like they're going to get where they're going SOOOO much faster than everyone else (perhaps they should also try honking while doing this -- that's sure to reduce their overall travel time). Obviously a single person refusing to follow the Zipper Rule has a largely negligible effect on the overall traffic flow. However if a certain percentage of the car-driving population chooses to ignore the rule (or even considers not abiding by it at that critical moment where the Zipper Rule says it's the other cars turn) the result can be a completely avoidable backup.

Fucking Austria!

The next time you hear someone shout that remember that they may not be cursing Austria. They may be trying to tell you their favorite city in Austria -- Fucking (pronounced "fooking"). Much to the chagrin of the small town of Fucking, street sign theft is quite high. Subsequently they had to invest significant funds to anchor the sign in a block of concrete to make it difficult to steal. Here's a wikipedia link to info about the city.

Alas the US has no equally amusing named city. However, if someone ever tell you to go to hell, it's good to know that that's it's not to far from Detroit.

Whole Lotta Love?

The Official Rock Band of Dauber's World is, without a doubt Led Zeppelin. Zep is as close to rock perfection as this planet is ever going to hear. Last week's reunion concert (see reviews) was one of those rare moments where they lived up to the hype. Despite Robert Plant pushing 60 and Jimmy Page showing off his white hair Zep brought the house down (see a clip here of Dauber's World's favorite song: Black Dog). What was even more special about this reunion concert was that there was only one of them. This was their first concert since 1980 -- the band disbanded after famed drummer (and the inspiration for the Muppets character Animal) -- John Bonham died after swallowing his own vomit. Bonham's son Jason was the drummer for the band's reunion concert last week (fittingly older than his father was when he died).

Dauber's World could go on an on about Zep and pray that they'd go on tour so Dauber's World could actually see them perform live, but that can wait for another day.

Last night while waiting to fly back to the official home of Dauber's World CNN started to discuss the reviews of a major British rock band's reunion concert. They promised interviews with fans and the like. Imagine the surprise when Dauber's World learned that the British Band in question was none other than the Spice Girls. The SPICE GIRLS! Dauber's World didn't realize that that the Spice Girls broke up. It was largely assumed that people stopped listening to their music because they're devoid of any form of musical talent. Yet CNN was interviewing person after person who was excited about the fact that the Spice Girls were having not one, not two, but 17 concerts in London alone. 17! Is this World related in any way to Dauber's World? There was so much demand for the first show that the Spice Girls sold it out in 39 seconds. This is the same group that wrote the "hit" song "Wannabe" . How could there possibly be so much demand? If those fans had any sense to them they'd be clamoring for one more chance to see Page, Plant and Jones perform on stage. Where's the love?

Dauber's World Offers Up More Holiday Gift Ideas

Since it's that time of year Dauber's World is trying you help you, the loyal reader get that special something for that special someone. And how better to show that you care about a special man in your life than to give him something to protect what is (almost certainly) most special to him? The Nutty Buddy is a new athletic cup that claims to do a better job of protecting the wearer's you-know-whats. Dauber's World can say from personal experience with a lacrosse ball that a direct hit to the traditional cup is not a pleasant experience. The issue has to do with distributing the force of the hit (not to be too graphic).

More amusing though than this product itself are the videos on You Tube demonstrating that it works. Here's a video of inventor/owner of the nutty buddy Mark Littell demonstrating it by taking a pitching machine and firing it at himself. At least he's willing to show that he's a believer in his invention.

This isn't nearly as funny, however, as the video of Jason who decides to do his own "Nutty Buddy Challenge". Jason isn't quite as smart as Mark and doesn't do a very good job lining up the pitching machine. As a result he takes a number of shots to his stomach and inner thigh. What's funniest about the video is that it sounds like the person who keeps feeding the machine/taking the video is his girlfriend who laughs hysterically every time he takes a shot. Schadenfreude anyone? Dauber's World wonders if it wouldn't be such a bad idea for the Nutty Buddy to fail for Jason. It's unclear whether he should be "selected" to pass on his genes to future generations.

Colonials #1

With all of Dauber's World's sports teams failing to deliver in 2007 imagine the surprise when Dauber's World learned that the official high school of Dauber's World -- Thomas Jefferson High School for Science and Technology (TJ for short) was named the top high school in America by US News and World Report. In fact here's an article about TJ .

In all honesty ranking high schools in order really does seem pretty silly. Does it really matter who is #1 and who is #37? Is it possible that some utility can be gained from looking at what makes a good school. It does seem a little absurd though to be so specific in ranking something that subjectively, and for what exactly? In ranking universities ostensibly you're helping prospective students, but high schools are a bit less mobile. Unless you live in Fairfax, Loudon, Prince William or Arlington counties (and Fairfax is the main feeder county by far) you can't go to TJ. Most all of the schools (if not every one on that list) are schools where you need live nearby to go to them. So what really is the point of explicitly ranking the schools other than an attempt to sell magazines?

Interestingly US News isn't the only publication looking into America's High Schools these days. The Wall Street Journal looked into how high schools fared in getting their students into the Ivy's. TJ makes this list too, but a bit farther down the list. Dauber's World has issues with the methodology that the Journal used. Lots of Ivys have legacies that make it MUCH easier for students to get in (if you have a parent that went to the school and gave money you're in -- look no further than our current president for proof. Incidentally does anyone realize how hard it is to have a C average at Yale?). Dauber's World is guessing that many of the Northeastern private schools have a number of legacies. Also looking at a single year isn't really a good measure for a high school's ability to get their students into the Ivys. What would have been more interesting would have been an average over the last decade or so.

In any event, not that this really helps Dauber's World in any way now, but thanks for making that diploma worth a little more.

Benefits of Global Warming

Every year Dauber's World goes back to Northern Virginia (aka "home") for Thanksgiving. Having spent the past eight falls in California (and the previous four before that in Michigan) Dauber's World has missed out on one of the best things about Fall: the leaves turning colors. This year is different, however. Thanks to Global Warming it's much warmer in Northern Virginia than in past years (it was almost 70 on Thanksgiving. Dauber's World thought that perhaps he had missed his flight and was still in the Bay Area). The result of this is that the leaves changed colors much later this year than in past years. If you've never been to this part of the country when the leaves turn you really are missing out. Dauber's World's personal favorite is the bright red that some leaves turn. The picture above is from Wolf Trap Farm Park (which is also the only National Park which is a center for the performing arts). The trees don't stay this way for very long, so Dauber's World considers himself lucky that he saw it this year.

Dauber's World's Holiday Gift Advice: Get Them Something They Don't Know They Want

Buying presents for people is hard work. You never really know what someone wants, and it could be argued that if they really wanted it they'd have already purchased it for themselves (this doesn't count kids and assumes they have the money of course). The other strategy is to get them something that they would want if only they knew it existed. Of course this is what makes gift-buying so difficult, but if it were easy then where would the "thought" come from?

In doing some field research, Dauber's World has found a gift idea that may appeal to someone on your list (or yourself). It's no Wine Rack of course, but potentially useful. After making it to DC in one piece on Wednesday Dauber's World went running Thursday morning with official brother of Dauber's World. Official Brother is, (much like Dauber's World) a gadget fiend and he unveiled one yesterday that is worth mentioning. A GPS wristwatch from Garmin. Before mentioning the highlights it's worth mentioning that it's pricey ($199.99 -- though Official Brother says he got it for $150 at Wal-Mart). It's also big and it takes a while to acquire the satellites if you moved a significant distance from the previous time you used it.

The single best highlight of this watch is that it tells you exactly how far you went running and what your pace is. There's also another model (more expensive of course) that also adds heartbeat monitoring. Dauber's World found in his experience as a runner that's there's always the question of how far did you just go running? Everyone has their ways of guessing, but this watch lets you be precise. It also has a feature that lets you download where you ran to your computer and mapping it on Google Earth (which would be cool if you just ran in the Grand Canyon). Of course, after running with this for a half an hour Dauber's World determined that the cure is worse than the proverbial disease. It's just too bulky and expensive for Dauber's World, but maybe it's worth it for you.

Dauber's World Report From The Front Lines

The Wednesday before Thanksgiving is the busiest day of the year to travel. Dauber's World has avoided flying home for years on this day to avoid all the headaches associated with traveling today.

2007 is different, however and Dauber's World (despite his typical better judgment) is blogging from the front lines: SFO Airport in the morning. What possessed Dauber's World to take a flight out on the Wednesday morning before Thanksgiving isn't important. What is important is that he's here to report to you, the loyal Dauber's World reader, what is going on.

And just what is going on at 7am on this, the busiest of travel days? Nothing! Absolutely nothing! Dauber's World drove the official Dauber's World car (an Acura MDX for those of you who are curious) up to SFO early this morning only to learn that Long Term parking lot was full. However SFO parking officials had already remedied the situation before Dauber's World could even utter the words "let me speak to your manager". They gave Dauber's World a voucher to park in Short Term parking at the Long Term rates! Why can't that happen all the time? Finding parking then became a trivial task at that point and Dauber's World geared up for what was certain to be a gigantic security line. Much to Dauber's World surprise, however, there wasn't one. The entire line consisted of three people. THREE PEOPLE in a security line the morning before Thanksgiving! Dauber's World has never seen a line this short at SFO. Not even on a Sunday evening for a redeye. Good thing Dauber's World got here an extra half an hour early just to be on the safe side.

Now of course everything couldn't go off without a hitch on Thanksgiving Wednesday. Dauber's World's plane is delayed due to "mechanical issues". Everyone knows the really means "indefinite delay" (especially on a day like today). But as far as the airport conditions are concerned Dauber's World is still stunned at how empty the airport is.

Dauber's World wants to take this time to wish you and your friends and family a healthy and happy Thanksgiving. And remember, always have your pets spayed or neutered.

Who Knew That Shrinkage Could Be Hazardous?

Among the many Seinfeld-isms that litter today's vernacular is the word "shrinkage" to describe what happens to a man when certain parts of him are exposed to cold water. Those of us who watched Seinfeld no doubt laughed heartily when George explains that it shrinks "like a frightened turtle". In all the years since that episode aired I never realized that shrinkage actually posed as a serious hazard to that part of the body. Honestly I couldn't even conceive of how that could be hazardous, but obviously I'm not as clever as Mario Visnjic. If you Google him you'll see various accounts of what he did. Below is my personal favorite. It requires no commentary. It's truly remarkable on its own.


(courtesy of pr-inside.com)
A Croatian man got his testicles stuck in a deck chair. Mario Visnjic returned to his deckchair after swimming naked at West Croatia 's Valalta beach and didn't realise his testicles - which had shrunk after the swim - had slipped through the wooden slats. As he sunbathed the testicles expanded back to their normal size and when he tried to get up to go for a walk, he realised they were stuck in the chair. Mario began panicking and was forced to call beach maintenance services on his mobile phone. When a member of staff arrived, Mario had to wait until the deck chair was cut in half before he was freed.

Best Stand-up Comedian in the Business

I've seen a lot of stand-up comedians in my life. Jerry Seinfeld, John Cleese, Dana Carvey, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Norm MacDonald, Adam Sandler, Lewis Black and Jay Mohr are the best that come to mind. None of them touch seeing Robin Williams live, however. I saw him for what must be about the sixth or seventh time tonight at Bimbo's 365 and he was fantastic as usual. To see Williams at Bimbos is a real treat because it's a small venue (~300 people) and he is much less filtered than he is in his HBO special that aired a few years ago (links to selected clips below). Before I forget, if you live in the SF Bay area and you want tickets to his shows get on this mailing list. You get a days' warning before tickets go on sale, and you better be ready to snap them up in the first 60 seconds or they're all gone (and you can only get two tickets). That being said it's definitely worth it.

Tonight Williams did a few bits I've seen before (he does a great one on intelligent design that is funny every time), but he did a few new ones as well. Of course a good chunk of his material is just him making it up as he goes along which is part of the fun. This one woman in the front row kept getting up to go to the bathroom and he made fun of her every time she got up and every time she got back.

He did a bit on the first answering machine that was pretty funny. In it he pretended to be Alexander Graham Bell playing his outgoing message for a caller.

"Hello, you've reached Alexander Graham Bell. I'm not sure how you're calling me seeing as I have the only phone in existence. Please leave your name and number and when I invent a second phone I'll call you back."

The second new bit that he did relied one of his many fantastic character voices. This is possible his best of them all -- his French "I don't give a sh*t/life sucks" voice (where he's constantly pretending to smoke a cigarette. Why? Because he's French). In it he created a scene where a French clown went to a small child's birthday party. The entire bit focused on the clown telling the child how depressing life is and how the birthday merely meant that the child was a year closer to death. I can't remember all the details, but it was really funny.

The last one-liner that he had that was pretty funny was (again) using one of his voices. He was talking about Bono being at a concert recently where he was having everyone clap their hands together. Then he (Bono) says, "Every time you clap your hands a child in Africa dies." Williams then says a Scotsman in the back then shouts out (and this works best if you know what his Scottish accent sounds like), "Then stop clapping your f@cking hands!" If you don't know what his Scottish accent sounds like or you've never seen his bit on golf you should check this out.

Can a Computer Be a Racist?

That's the question being asked (apparently) after an apparent glitch in some code at Google News showed a picture of rheus monkeys next to a story about Richard Parsons, the former CEO of Time Warner. Former roommate of Dauber's World, Eric (we like to keep some anonymity here), had the line of the week when he said: "...i wonder which lucky engineer gets to modify the code with: if image == monkey && news_person_race == african american then..."

The actual Newsweek article is below.

Last week marked a watershed moment for two stars of the business world. By chance, an abrupt end seemed imminent for the careers of Time Warner CEO Richard Parsons and Merrill Lynch CEO Stanley O'Neal. Both had reached pinnacles rarely scaled in corporate America by African-Americans. And their fates dominated business headlines worldwide last Friday, Oct. 26. Online at Google News, however, the coverage was, in a word, shocking.

A keyword search for "Richard Parsons" generated a flood of stories about the executive, accompanied by a photo of two rhesus monkeys. Clicking on the image linked users to a story on neither monkeys nor Parsons. Instead, a speculative account on O'Neal's waning support among Merrill directors appeared on screen. Other than the lynch mob's noose and the Klansman's hood, few images of racism are as offensive to African-American as monkeys. Yet the bizarre juxtaposition of image and stories persisted through the week. And even after Google was specifically contacted this week, it continued.

An unstoppable racist hacker? Hardly, according to a Google spokesman. It was an inside job. The perpetrator, however, wasn't human. The search giant blames its computers and algorithms. Despite its cutting-edge advancements, Google is simply incapable of a performing a skill typically mastered by first graders: matching the right words with the right images. The problem generally has plagued Google since June when it introduced the "Image Version" of Google News to pair the top headlines with illustrative photos.

It's an ongoing problem. Recently Google News mismatched stories on Argentina's newly elected president Cristina Fernández with a photo of the California wildfires. A photo of the late Australia crocodile hunter Steve Irwin accompanied a report on the stock market. And thanks to the fast-breaking developments at Merrill Lynch, O'Neal managed to evolve. After he was forced to retire Tuesday in the wake of massive subprime losses, Google News illustrated the story with a 1939 photo of Katharine Hepburn taken during the filming of "The Philadelphia Story."

Google acknowledges the situation, but declined to openly discuss details of the primate episode. Surprisingly, it was even unwilling to go on record and explicitly disavow any racist motivation. "While we don't comment on individual stories on Google News," spokesman Gabriel Stricker told NEWSWEEK, "crawling thousands of sites across the globe is a complicated task, and we're confident that the quality of the crawled pages is extremely good for the vast majority of news sources on our site." In an oblique nod to the problem, he cites the need for "more work to be done," adding, "we're always working on improvements to Google News to ensure that the experience for all of our users ... continues to be great."

If the "Parsons" search result is, as Google indicates, merely a remarkably unfortunate techno blooper, the search giant's explanation in one respect is still as potentially unsettling as the primate imagery is distressing. Short of shutting down searches, the problem will persist for now. Google News relies almost exclusively on algorithms and automation to build its pages. For now, manually correcting one mismatch may fix one issue but simultaneously create many more. When asked when the problem would be resolved, a Google spokesman answered: "As soon as possible."

Despite Google's technical explanation, there's a twist to the Parsons-primate episode that could lead online users to suspect hacker involvement. Over the weekend, the company appeared to have corrected the mismatch, at least temporarily. At times, the primates photo was substituted with a photo of a formally attired Parsons posing with an actor in a Bugs Bunny costume. (The character is owned by Time Warner, which declined to comment for this story.) Later, however, the rhesus photo reappeared, supplanting Parsons and Bugs Bunny. Google denies it was hacked and insists the incident was again, simply a result of its computer systems.

This isn't the first time automation has managed to offend. In January 2006, as USA Today reported at the time, a feature on Wal-Mart's Web site that generated recommended purchases linked a "Planet of the Apes" DVD to films about African-Americans, including Martin Luther King Jr., Tina Turner and boxer Jack Johnson. The retail giant, citing errant automation, apologized to any offended customers and shut down the recommendation system.

Given the sheer size of what Google does, the chances of getting everything right all the time would appear to be statistically nil. In September, the latest data available, Google handled 38.2 billion searches--some 63 percent of the total 61 billion searches worldwide, says Andrew Lipsman, senior analyst with Internet measuring service Comscore. Of Google's total, Google News accounted for some 103 million searches. According to Google, it "crawls" 4,500 English-language news sites, and thousands more worldwide in other languages, to seize freshly posted stories and images for storage in Google's servers that it taps to respond to keyword searches.

Google won't disclose the scope or details of its mismatching problem. But the problem clearly seems to be associated with material from at least one of the world's major originators of news--Reuters, which declined to comment on the situation. The primates and associated Parsons and O'Neal stories, for example, were both retrieved by Google from Reuters--as were the mismatched wildfire photo and Argentine election story, as well as other examples.

Reuters makes its stories and photos available separately for retrieval by search engines, Google foremost. When the search giant dispatches a crawler to snare a story from the Reuters site, it simultaneously deploys a crawler to Reuters's photo gallery. But the image crawler isn't discriminating. It simply grabs the first photo in the gallery, never mind that the particular image often has nothing remotely to do with the text-based story.

Google says it is trying hard to fix the problem. But for now, it seems a primate could do a better job.

© 2007 Newsweek, Inc.

Dauber's World Won't Curb Its Enthusiasm

As many fans of this blog are aware, I'm a huge fan of the HBO TV series (and official favorite TV show of Dauber's World) "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Some have even called me a "mini Larry David" (though I don't think they really know what they're talking about).

In any event I was delighted when I read in the article below that Larry David is planning on doing a 7th season of Curb. I can't think of better news as far as TV is concerned. It's a good article too -- enjoy!


NEW YORK (AP) -- Larry David steals a glance at his wristwatch. It's about 11:50. He needs to check out of the hotel by noon. He pleasantly explains he's only got a few more minutes.
David

Larry David plays a constantly aggrieved man named Larry David in "Curb Your Enthusiasm."

And no offense meant, by the way, when he looked at his watch.

"I wasn't bored or anything," he assures his interviewer.

Eureka! "There's a typical 'TV Larry' thing," he says, unleashing a small rant: "In life, we can't look at a watch! It's anti-social to look at a watch. You can't be at a dinner party and look at a watch. It's rude! People think you want to go home.

"Maybe you just want to know what time it is! You're allowed to know what time it is, aren't you?"

He's put his finger on another of life's injustices. Didn't the first President Bush lose a re-election race just by looking at his watch during a debate?

"Exactly!" says David. "The guy lost the presidency 'cause he looked at his watch! Absolutely!"

This could be a scene straight from "Curb Your Enthusiasm," the sort of deconstruction site where TV Larry thrives.

"It's certainly something that he would be interested in," nods David -- "this taboo about looking at a watch!"

Having already made TV history (and a bundle) as a creator-producer-writer of "Seinfeld," David had little to prove when he shot "Curb" as a comedy special for HBO in 1999, then turned it into a series a year later.

Now with "Curb" in a sixth hit season (airing 10 p.m. EDT Sundays), David has built on his "Seinfeld" legacy with a made-for-TV version of himself: TV Larry is a former "Seinfeld" producer who lives in Los Angeles and confronts random wrongnesses that fuel each episode, which is plotted by David, then improvised by him with his "Curb" co-stars (including Jeff Garlin, Susie Essman and Cheryl Hines as Larry's wife, Cheryl David).

Among the striking similarities between the two Larrys: Each has marital difficulties.

In June, real-life Larry and his real-life wife, Laurie David, separated after 14 years of marriage.

On "Curb," Cheryl left Larry. She was fed up after he refused to take her phone call from an airplane flight she feared was going to crash. She had wanted to tell him goodbye. He told her to "call back in 10 minutes" because the cable repairman was at their house fixing the TiVo.

But there are also big differences. For one thing, David is busy channeling himself into a comedy series, whereas its hero, TV Larry, has far too much time on his hands. Instead, he lives a life of agitated leisure swollen with annoyances (slow toasters, underwear with no fly, anonymous philanthropy, indecisive people ahead of him in line), and he courts disaster by taking corrective action.

Is TV Larry just a self-involved provocateur?

"I think he's an idealist," says David unconvincingly.

Or maybe just bored?

"No," David insists. "He doesn't create messes out of boredom. No! In one episode he says, 'I'm not an inventor. I'm an improver. I see things that are wrong, and I improve them.' He wants the world to be run the way that he feels it should be: the RIGHT way."

David -- the 60-year-old spitting image of TV Larry, from his tennis shoes to his irredeemably bald head -- says the show is a blast.

"I had such a good time this year, I think I'd probably like to do it again," he says. "My only issue is my face. I've got to edit this show and look at my face six to eight hours a day. Most people just look at their face when they're looking in the mirror. I've got to see it all day long."

Another year would be fun, except for "this big bald head," he sighs, shaking it. "It's big and it's bald. I gotta take that into consideration, too."

The head and the face have become widely recognized since "Curb" began. While "Seinfeld" made David a familiar name, he mostly stayed behind the scenes on that show. He says he likes being a public figure now.

"It's 95-5 on the good side," he figures. "The world's become a much friendlier place. Every now and then people will bother you when you don't really want to be bothered: a small price to pay. And I'm not dealing with everybody. Most of the people who know me are fans of the show."

And those fans, David adds with amusement, all wonder the same thing: "Am I that guy?" That friendly but intrusive guy, that calculating, never-lets-it-slide guy? "I think people really WANT me to be that guy. I think they're probably disappointed when I'm not."

Not yet, anyway. The distinction, always tenuous, between the two Larrys is steadily eroding, David reports.

"I feel like TV Larry is my role model," he says, "and I'm becoming a little more like him -- just because I CAN be, because that's what people expect.

"Now it's easier for me to make what would be perceived as an anti-social comment: If I'm at someone's house for dinner and there's way too much butter in the mashed potatoes, I might say so now. Whereas before I would be tactful enough not to."

So his character has given him permission to speak his mind, not just occupy a character who does it for him.

"Absolutely," he says. "Gradually I'm encroaching on TV Larry's style."

It's a whole other benefit of doing "Curb"!

"You're not kidding," he grins, free to look at his watch. "It's fantastic!"

The Scariest Part of Halloween: Finding a Costume

It's hard to not like Halloween. On any other day dressing up in a random costume and showing up at a perfect stranger's door asking for candy would at a minimum result in a call to the police. Do that on October 31st however, and you get free candy. FREE CANDY! Are there two better words in the English language? Any that I can think of aren't appropriate for this blog.

Unfortunately for me, Halloween has lost much of its appeal as I've gotten older. Alas, now all that Halloween means for me is the anxiety associated with trying to find a clever costume. Since I can almost never think of something, I just avoid the holiday altogether. And even if I was to come up with a really great costume, I still wouldn't get free candy since (apparently) someone decided that men in their late 20s aren't entitled to free candy even if they say, "trick or treat."

As near as I can tell Halloween is really for three distinct groups of people: little kids (and their parents), gay men and girls in college (up to their mid-20s). The first group is pretty obvious, and I have no problem with them. I loved Halloween as a little kid. My friends who have little kids seem to have a great time doing Halloween related activities with them, so we'll lump them together. The next group of people who really enjoy Halloween are gay men, and I have nothing against them either. Frankly I'm jealous that as a group they've decided to embrace the holiday. I've been to Castro and Market a couple of times on Halloween and from my limited experience I think gay men also have the most clever costumes (and they probably spend the most on them). Once while watching MTV they referred to Halloween as the "High Holidays" for gay men, which I thought was pretty funny.

The last group of people who seem to really embrace the holiday are college-aged women (maybe a little older) for whom Halloween affords them the chance to dress very (how shall I say this?) promiscuously under the guise of a Halloween costume. There are a some tried and true costumes here that I'm sure you're all very familiar with: cat, devil, nurse, french maid, playboy bunny and (of course) prostitute. Oh, and one year it was cool to dress up like Britney Spears in the "Oops I did it Again" video. Basically anything that allows them the chance to bare as much skin as possible (as a side note, going to school in Michigan it was amusing to watch this behavior at a time that it's typically pretty cold outside). I don't necessarily have any issues with this group so much as it really has nothing to do with Halloween.

Dress Shoes for Tall Jewish Men to Wear on Tuesdays

Ask any good marketing person and they’ll tell you one of the most important skills in all of marketing is being able to identify the needs/desires of your target market. Before TIVO came about I always thought it was interesting to see what commercials aired during various TV shows. It lets you know who is most likely to be watching that particular TV show. As a guy you know you’re in trouble when the TV show you’re watching has a lot of women-oriented ads.

The place where I see the most ads (by far) is watching football games, though I don’t exactly understand who advertisers think are really watching football games. Based on the commercials I see on a regular basis the typical football-watching person is a guy who drinks a ton of cheap beer, drives a pick-up truck, eats at fast-food restaurants, needs financial advice and buys lots of IBM Blade Servers. Ads in football games have changed over the years, but the one constant has been the beer commercials. A rough, back-of-the-napkin calculation makes me believe that in my lifetime (just from watching NFL football games) I’ve seen about 5 whole days worth of beer commercials (figure 4 commercials/quarter = ~8 min/game x 2 games/week x 20 weeks/season x 22 seasons of football = ~5 days). Ironically I don’t drink any of the beers that are advertised in games (though I do enjoy those Coors Light ads. I want more Denny Green and Jim Mora!).

Just like any good marketing campaign, retail stores also do a lot of work in identifying their target customer base. Look at Target and Wal-Mart or Whole Foods and Safeway. My personal all-time favorite retail store (from a market segmentation standpoint) is Japanese Weekend Maternity Wear (which is right next to Ben and Jerry’s in Santana Row if you have any desire to patronize them). I’ve always liked to imagine what the conversation to select a target market went like. I bet it was something like this:

Person A: I think we should focus our new store on clothing for pregnant women
Person B: Hmmmm, that’s good idea, but it’s already a crowded space. We need to further segment our target market.
Person A: What if we focused on pregnant women who were Japanese? That’s a highly targeted and unique segment of the population.
Person B: Yeah, that’s true, but I still think it’s too broad. There are literally millions of Japanese women, and many of them get pregnant. We should segment this further.
Person A: Ok, you’re right. What if we focused solely on clothing they wear on the weekends?
Person B: So we’d focus on selling clothing that pregnant Japanese women would want to wear of the weekends?
Person A: Right
Person B: Brilliant!

Every time I pass by the store I think of the Simpson’s episode where George H.W. Bush moves in across the street. In the beginning of the episode the whole neighborhood is having a garage sale. In preparation for the garage sale Marge finds a jean jacket in the attic that Homer had made that says “Disco Stu” on it. She asks who Disco Stu is and Homer explains that he was writing “Disco Stud”, but ran out of space. The joke is completed later in the episode when we first meet the character (who has subsequently appeared in many episodes) aptly named Disco Stu. His friend advises him that he should buy that jacket, to which Disco Stu replies, “Disco Stu doesn’t advertise.” We are left to wonder what the odds are that Homer would actually have a potential customer with that exact name, but who still is uninterested in purchasing the jacket.

In the interests of full disclosure here's the real reason for the name of the store. Turns out "Japanese Weekend" is the name of a dance routine the founder created. I'll stick with my interpretation though. I like it more.

Drugs, Fast Cars and Lots of Tiny Maple Leafs

Canada is truly a great country. Their density of Tim Horton's coffee shops per capita -- one for every 12K people (in contrast with Starbucks in the US which boasts one coffee shop for every 32K people) means that no cold Canadian ever has to go long without a hot cup of coffee. Their use of the Maple Leaf on every product (Wendy's in Canada use a small Maple Leaf in place of an apostrophe) reminds you that despite the fact that you feel like you're in the US you're actually in a foreign country (sort of). And of course, my favorite, they're the inventors and innovators of the BlackBerry (what would we do without it?).

Everything isn't great about our neighbors to the North, however. Just ask any average American on the street and they're aware of the scam being perpetrated by our Maple Leaf-toting friends. Americans are paying for Canadians to have cheap prescription drugs. Actually, that's not really true. US drug companies sell drugs to Canada at a different price than they sell drugs to the US because the US doesn't legislate drug prices (and they shouldn't) and Canada and many other countries do. It's effectively a form of 3rd degree price discrimination that occurs for many products in the marketplace (including those that I sell). For years Americans have felt pained as they supported the huge R&D (and marketing) budgets of Big Pharma while countries with heavy socialized medicine legislation got their drugs at a fraction of the price.

Well, now the Canadians are finding out what it feels like to be on the other side of the loonie. Recently there has been an uproar in Canada over the price of cars. Specifically it's much cheaper for Canadians to buy cars in the US and drive them back to Canada than it is for them to buy the cars in Canada. Needless to say the Canadian car dealers don't like this and want legislation passed. Unfortunately there's this pesky free-trade agreement that they signed back when Clinton was president called NAFTA that guarantees free trade among Canada, Mexico and the US (woah, wait a minute. Mexico is in North America?). With virtually 90% of the the entire population of Canada (roughly 33M people) living within 100 miles of the US border there's little reason for them to pay hefty auto taxes when they can buy the same exact car in the US at a fraction of the price. Funny how free trade lowers prices and helps consumers.

2007 Dauber Product of the Year Award

Well, it's a little early to give out the coveted Dauber Product-of-the-Year award, but I stumbled across a clear winner and need to look no further: the Wine Rack. Made by the same company that makes the Beer Belly. This product is genius for so many reasons I don't even know where to begin. First, it helps women sneak alcohol into stadiums which is nothing but goodness. To make it even better it stores the liquid in a bladder concealed in a bra, making the woman look (ahem) bustier. And it's called the Wine Rack. WINE RACK! It works on so many levels (you know because you store wine in a wine rack, and rack is a synonym for...never mind).

I did a little research on the Beer Belly -- certainly a very good idea (another clever name by the way). If you want to sneak liquids into a stadium (sporting event/concert) I think this is the way to go. The reason the Wine Rack gets the coveted Dauber Product of the Year Award for 2007 is because the Wine Rack does this while augmenting something that people like to have augmented (judging from all the plastic surgery done in that area, though I suppose Pamela Anderson is responsible for a third of it). A beer belly isn't something you want -- the opposite sex typically doesn't look fondly upon them. Being "bustier" on the other hand (not too busty, just a bit more) -- that's something we can all drink to.

Phantom Whiplash, Bystander Trauma and Ringxiety?

I apologize for not being able to do a real post this week -- been very busy. I have a good one in the works, so check back in after this weekend.

In the meantime here's a pretty funny article about BlackBerrys and people who imagine them vibrating. Hits a little too close to home for me. Incidentally, how do the writers ever decide to write these things? Did Ellen's editor come to her with this idea? Anyways, enjoy...

By Ellen Simon
Updated: 1:22 p.m. PT Oct 10, 2007

NEW YORK - If your hipbone is connected to your BlackBerry or your thighbone is connected to your cell phone, those vibrations you're feeling in the car, in your pajamas, in the shower, may be coming from your headbone.

Many mobile phone addicts and BlackBerry junkies report feeling vibrations when there are none, or feeling as if they're wearing a cell phone when they're not.

The first time it happened to Jonathan Zaback, a manager at the public relations company Burson-Marsteller, he was out with friends and showing off his new BlackBerry Curve.

"While they were looking at it, I felt this vibration on my side. I reached down to grab it and realized there was no BlackBerry there."

Zaback, who said he keeps his BlackBerry by his bed while he sleeps, checks it if he gets up in the middle of the night and wakes to an alarm on the BlackBerry each day, said this didn't worry him.

"As long as it doesn't mean a tumor is growing on my leg because of my BlackBerry, I'm fine with it," he said. "Some people have biological clocks, I might have a biological BlackBerry."

'Phone is part of them'
Some users compare the feeling to a phantom limb, which Merriam-Webster's medical dictionary defines as "an often painful sensation of the presence of a limb that has been amputated."

"Even when I don't have the BlackBerry physically on my person, I do find myself adjusting my posture when I sit to accommodate it," said Dawn Mena, an independent technology consultant based in Thousand Oaks, Calif. "I also laugh at myself as I reach to unclip it (I swear it's there) and find out I don't even have it on."

Research in the area is scant, but theories abound about the phenomenon, which has been termed "ringxiety" or "fauxcellarm."

Anecdotal evidence suggests "people feel the phone is part of them" and "they're not whole" without their phones, since the phones connect them to the world, said B.J. Fogg, director of research and design at Stanford University's Persuasive Technology Lab.

"As human beings, we're so tapped into our community, responsiveness to what's going on, we're so attuned to the threat of isolation and rejection, we'd rather make a mistake than miss a call," he said. "Our brain is going to be scanning and scanning and scanning to see if we have to respond socially to someone."

In certain circles, phantom vibrations are a point of pride.

"Of course I get them," said Fred Wilson, a managing partner of Union Square Ventures, an early-stage venture capital firm based in New York. "I've been getting them for over 10 years since I started with the pager-style BlackBerry."

For others, it's one more tech irritation.

Jeff Posner, president and owner of e-ventsreg.com in New Jersey, which allows users to register and check in for trade shows and other events, stopped wearing his BlackBerry on his belt because of regular false alarms. He put it in the chest pocket of his shirt but found that was worse, because now his phone dials automatically, which has created a new annoyance: It always calls the same person, he said.

"Phones have favorite friends," he said. "It's like your phones have a thing for each other. Of course, it's a female friend, so my wife is like, 'You're calling her all the time.' "

Complicating things further, his own phone is his sales manager's favorite friend.

"Her phone calls me all the time," he said. "I'll get a call and hear whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. It's her, walking."

"Dilbert" cartoonist Scott Adams wrote on his blog, dilbert.org, that he feels the phantom vibrations, "about 10 times per day" and thinks " 'Ooh, it's an e-mail with good news!' So far, the only good news is that my pocket is vibrating, and that's OK because it gives me hope that the condition might spread to the rest of my pants."

Jake Ward, a former press secretary for Sen. Olympia Snowe and current director of Qorvis Communications., a public relations company in Washington, D.C., said he switched his BlackBerry from his hip to his jacket pocket six months ago, but still feels it there.

"Aftershocks," he said.

He also claims to "pre-feel" a new message or call. "I'll feel it, look at it. It's not vibrating. Then it starts vibrating," he said. "I am one with my BlackBerry."

For some, it's a matter of projecting hope onto their wireless device. Don Katz said he came out of retirement to work as director of wireline product management at SpinVox because he was so impressed with the company's voicemail product. He worked on its recent launch at SaskTel, the telecom company in Saskatchewan, Canada. That may be why, on a recent train trip to New York, he kept checking his phone, because he said he was sure it was vibrating.

"It's like, my phone should be ringing," he said. "It's anticipatory vibrations."

Big Difference Between United and American

I'll say upfront that I'm a 1K on United which means I fly 100,000 miles every year (well, at least the past three years). Today, however I'm stuck on an American flight to Chicago (it was MUCH cheaper, so I guess I can't complain too much. Wait a minute. Yes I can). Here are some observations as to why I don't like American:

-Their web site/online check in stinks. I entered my name and record locater and that didn't work. Then I logged on and went to "my itineraries" and that didn't work. Finally I went and found the email telling me to check in online. That led me to a link that did work.

-MD80s are really crappy airplanes. No wonder MD got bought out by Boeing. An MD80 is significantly worse than a 737. The 2-3 configuration means that there is a lot less overhead bin space especially if people carry on their roll-aboards (which everyone does of course).

-American has no leg room. Coach on United isn't that bad if you can get in Economy plus. 4 inches never mattered so much. I'm 6'4". I need all the space I can get. Sitting in American my knees hit the top of the seat in front of me.

-No pillows and very few blankets on American. Even Northwest, the worst airline in the modern world has the option of purchasing a pillow. And the head rests in American are too low. On United you can adjust the head rest. The seat back only goes up to my shoulders here.

-No movies on American. Not that I care about this a ton, but I'm sure if I traveled with kids I would care.

-No free snacks on American. On a 4 hour flight to Chicago they only give you drinks for free. You can buy a cookie, chips OR a 3 musketeers bar for $3 EACH. That's right, one 3 musketeers bar for $3! When I made a comment to the flight attendant asking about any free snacks (pretzels maybe?) she gave me some lecture about how airlines don't give meals anymore. I explained that I fly about 100K miles/year on United and am well aware of the meals situation, but I didn't know American's policies. She then asked me if United was making a profit. I bit my tongue at that point. The amazing thing is that she said American DOES give snacks -- only on short flights. So they'll give you a bag of peanuts flying to LA, but not to Chicago? I need a snack less on a shorter flight. Unless that's just to encourage me to pay them $3 for their 3 musketeers bar. Seems like extortion to me.

The only thing I like about American is that they have power outlets in Coach. Last week I flew a 757 to Chicago on United in First and they didn't have power outlets (even in First class, that's absurd). That's pretty annoying. Still, the balance is strongly in United's favor. Especially from a seat comfort standpoint.

This Just In: Norv Turner Sucks!

Let me apologize in advance to my loyal readers who aren't sports fans. I rarely subject you to a sports-related blog. I can't help myself today though. All evening and into this morning all the football pundits were asking how the San Diego "super" Chargers who were 14-2 last year could possibly be 1-3 this year.

I thought the answer was obvious, but no one seems to be talking about it: Norv Turner is the worst head coach in the NFL in the last 20 years to have received multiple head coaching opportunities. Norv was my beloved Skins head coach from '94 through most of the 2000 season. During that time period the Redskins found a way to (as Chris Berman used to say of those tricky Bengals) "snatch defeat from the jaws of victory". Seriously. Go back and think about how many close games the Redskins lost. They always found a way. Over time I noticed that Norv Turner-led teams lack accountability. No one ever stands up and accepts responsibility for something going wrong. I remember a game where Brad Johnson threw 5 interceptions AND had a fumble and he talked about turnovers as if they were everyone else's fault. Certainly they weren't 100% his fault, but as the leader of the team you need to own up to stuff. Norv never has those kinds of teams. They lack discipline.

Norv is seemingly a good offensive coordinator. That's why he keeps getting these head coaching jobs. He was the offensive coordinator in Dallas before getting the Skins job. Then he was in SD and Miami before going to be the Raiders head coach. Then he was the 9ers offensive coordinator before going back to SD to be their head coach. When he went to Oakland my uncle (who is a sports writer in the Bay) called to ask me what I thought. I told him that the only fact he needed to know was that in almost 7 full season as the Redskins' head coach he had a losing record against every team in the division INCLUDING THE ARIZONA CARDINALS! The Cardinals (for those of you who don't follow football) are one of those teams that have a culture for losing. They have an owner who has historically not cared. They're the Washington Generals of the NFL if you will (at least in the 90s along with the Bengals). And Norv lost to them!

If good coaches put their players in position to make plays (old cliche) Norv puts his players in position to blame problems on each other. Sure enough on the sideline yesterday LT yelled at Rivers.

So, you add all of this up and is it surprising that the Chargers aren't playing well? I can't imagine why AJ Smith (Chargers GM), with a team this good would hire Norv Turner to coach his team. Unless he went Mel Brooks on everyone a la The Producers and decided that he WANTED his team to lose. Because then this would make perfect sense.

Everyone Named "Mike" Please Stand Up

Those who watched the San Francisco vs. Arizona Monday Night Football game were treated to a rarity: three Mikes in the broadcast booth! That's right THREE! Mike Dikta and Mike Golic were color commentators while Mike Greenberg did the play-by-play. The only person not named Mike was sideline reporter Bonnie Bernstein (though she joking suggested she should change her name). In many ways the broadcast booth represented a microcosm of what has been my life -- the complete futility of having the same name that everyone else has. In fact, there are so many Mikes out there that almost no one even knows me by my first name (hence the name of this blog). My freshman English class in high school had 30 students, 15 guys and six (count em SIX) Michaels (who all went by Mike of course).

Over the last 50 years no name has been more popular than Michael. Michael was the 2nd most popular name in the 60s and #1 in the 70s, 80s and 90s. A brief look at the top names for the 21st Century shows Michael running a solid #2 behind Jacob (seriously, who would pick Jacob over Michael?). At some point there are so many Mikes that the name becomes completely useless. It's just as effective as the pronoun "you" (well, it's slightly more effective since it's at least indicates gender). What motivates parents to continue to give their children this name? If you go through the lists of most popular names each decade there is a natural rotation in the top 10. Inexplicably though Michael/Mike has stayed at the top.

Despite the overwhelming popularity of the name there have been surprisingly few famous Mikes or Michaels over the past 25 years. Michael Jackson and Michael Jordan come to mind, but the list drops off after that. Michael Douglas, Michael Moore and the now-infamous Michael Vick. Mike Meyers and Mike Tyson are the famous Mikes. That's a pretty sorry list considering how many of us there are. There hasn't been a Michael as President either (though we came close with Dukakis). The only Mike running in '08 is Huckabee, and he doesn't have a chance in hell of winning.

Dauber's World Predicts Future!

Back in May after the release of the Palm Foleo I declared it to be the Worst Product Idea For 2007

Turns out that was quite prescient of me. Today Palm announced that they were killing the Foleo just before it was to be launched. Oh it feels good to be right!

Palm drops Foleo on eve of launch
By Troy Wolverton
Mercury News
Article Launched: 09/04/2007 03:45:35 PM PDT

Palm is canceling its Foleo product right before the company was due to ship the new notebook-like device to retailers.

Based on early feedback on the Foleo, the company knew it needed to improve the product before selling it, company CEO Ed Colligan said in a blog entry on Palm's site in which he announced the decision. But right now, the company needs to focus its efforts on updating the operating system that runs on its Palm OS-based Treo phones, he said.

"We can not afford to make those improvements on a platform that is not central to our core focus. That would not be right for our customers or for our developer community," Colligan said. "I know there will be disappointed folks who were looking forward to carrying a Foleo for all their mobile computing needs. I am certainly one of them."

Palm founder Jeff Hawkins unveiled the Foleo at the Wall Street Journal's D: All Things Digital Conference in May, calling it "the most exciting product I have ever worked on." Shaped like a notebook computer, the Foleo was designed to work in tandem with smartphones such as Palm's Treos. The idea behind it was to provide a larger screen and keyboard that would allow smartphone users to more easily check their email and edit documents stored on their mobile devices.

The company originally planned to sell the device starting this summer for about $500 each. However, recent reports have suggested that the company had already decided to delay the launch.

Despite Hawkins' enthusiasm for the Foleo, his idea landed like a dud, and many Palm enthusiasts and analysts have questioned the need and market for the Foleo. The future of the device was put into question days after Hawkins unveiled it, when Elevation Partners announced that it was taking a sizable stake in Palm and planned to place three new directors on Palm's board, including Jon Rubinstein, Apple's former hardware guru.

The cancellation marks a big public setback for Hawkins, who was the force behind Palm's first two hits, the original Pilot pocket organizer and the Treo.

As a result of the cancellation, Palm will take a $10 million earnings charge, Colligan said. The company hopes to eventually release a product like the Foleo, but Colligan declined to say when it might do so.

"Jeff Hawkins and I still believe that the market category defined by Foleo has enormous potential," he said.

Ain't The Same F*cking Sport Either...

Well, I'm back from China, but I saved my favorite story until I was back in the States. One night when I was in Shanghai my sales team asked me if I wanted to go get a foot massage with one of our customers. I did a quick mental search to see if "foot massage" could be something else, and I determined that in Communist China I was pretty safe.

So we show up to this gigantic building and the first thing they ask you to do is to take your shoes off (seemed logical to me). The first amusing moment for me is when they tried to give me the "one size fits all" slippers. I wear about a size 14 or 15 shoe, so they had to scurry around and find a new pair of slippers for me. Then we went upstairs to some locker rooms. One of the sales guys turns to me and says, "Ok, get naked and then join us in the other room." It was at this moment that I thought perhaps my definition of a foot massage was inaccurate. I thought of Jules saying to Vincent in Pulp Fiction, "Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine..." (this is one of my favorite scenes ever in a movie. For the full scene scroll to the end of this post).

I was surprised, but I wasn't going to bail. As I got undressed I noticed two Chinese men who were my personal attendants (apparently) standing on either side of me. When I took my shirt off one of them tried to grab it from me. Now I'm more than capable to get naked on my own, so I politely declined. Of course he spoke no English so he tried to grab it from me. I had to forcibly grab it back. Then I explained to both of them using wild arm movements that I was happy to be left alone.

I wrapped a towel around me and walked into this large room with hot tubs and showers. I noticed a series of stalls where you sat down and held a shower head above you. I quickly noticed there were no seat covers for these stools. I started to question whether China truly was set to take over the World. I sat down in my designated stall and tried to discourage my new personal attendant from helping me. There were a series of soaps and conditioners in front of me, but since they were all in Chinese I didn't use any of them.

Then the sales team I was with and our potential customer got into the hot tub. Since it was about 95 degrees in Shanghai I wasn't really thrilled with the idea of getting into a hot tub with these guys. I was even less interested in getting into the hot tub with them completely naked. One of our sales guys suggested going in the ice tub. I decided as the lone American in the room I had to "represent" and wasn't willing to suffer from the inevitable shrinkage that was sure to occur in this ice water.

We hung (non pun intended) out in the hot tub for a while and then I decided to get out. I went into the "drying room" where a new set of attendants attempt to dry you off. Once again I felt completely comfortable in drying myself off, but alas the language barrier got in the way. The guy tried to take my towel from me and I grabbed it back from him. Then he tried to start drying me off, and I had to push his hands away from me (I don't know why they don't have drying girls instead of drying guys, but that's another story). I got changed into some sort of cabana wear and then went to our private room for the foot massages. I sat down in a chair and put my feet up and then this woman comes in and gave me a foot massage for about an hour. That turned out to be quite pleasant, and I was happy to see that everyone else was clothed at this point.

When we went back to the locker room to get dressed I was once again accosted by attendants (don't these people learn?). To confuse them I took my towel and tossed it about 10 feet from me. While they scurried to pick it up I was successfully able to get dressed without being hassled further.

When we were leaving I was amused to see that the foot massage establishment attempted to rip us off. Despite only having four pairs of shoes, they claimed that there were five of us. Then they claimed that I'd ordered all sorts of special services. Our sales guy pointed out that I couldn't speak any Mandarin and would have no idea how to order any of the things that they claimed I had ordered (rust proofing anyone?).

-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Jules: It was a foot massage, a foot massage is nothing, I give my mother a foot massage.
Vincent: It's laying hands on Marsellus Wallace's new wife in a familiar way. Is it as bad as eatin' her out -- no, but you're in the same fuckin' ballpark.
Jules: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... stop right there. Eatin' a bitch out, and givin' a bitch a foot massage ain't even the same fuckin' thing.
Vincent: It's not. It's the same ballpark.
Jules: Ain't no fuckin' ballpark neither. Now look, maybe your method of massage differs from mine, but, you know, touchin' his wife's feet, and stickin' your tongue in her Holiest of Holies, ain't the same fuckin' ballpark, it ain't the same league, it ain't even the same fuckin' sport. Look, foot massages don't mean shit.
Vincent: Have you ever given a foot massage?
Jules: [scoffs] Don't be tellin' me about foot massages. I'm the foot fuckin' master.
Vincent: Given a lot of 'em?
Jules: Shit yeah. I got my technique down and everything, I don't be ticklin' or nothin'.
Vincent: Would you give a guy a foot massage?
[Jules gives Vincent a long look, realizing he's been set up]
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: You give them a lot?
Jules: Fuck you.
Vincent: You know, I'm getting kinda tired. I could use a foot massage myself.
Jules: Man, you best back off, I'm gittin' a little pissed here.

Tale of the Tape: KFC vs. McDonalds in China

As my travels through China continue I decided to tackle a problem that faces many food-challenged travelers in China: where to eat? Should I eat at one of the 1000 KFC's that inhabit this country or one of the 600 McDonald's (side note, KFC is opening about 200 KFC's per year now in China!)? In all honesty I'm not a big fan of either fast food chain in the States. When I do go to McDonald's it's typically in an airport (O'Hare since I never feel like waiting in the line for Chili's) and I get the grilled chicken sandwich. If I'm going to get fried chicken I choose Popeye's 10 times out of 10, but that's another story. I'm in China, and I'm tired of eating Chinese food (I like it in the States, but it's different here). To be fair I like the Chinese food here too (sometimes), but It's the weekend and I've been eating nothing but Chinese food all week.

I went to KFC yesterday at the request of my co-work from Beijing. I ordered two original recipe chicken breasts, mashed potatoes and popcorn chicken along with a large Pepsi (sounds like a lot of food -- it wasn't). It was easily the worst meal I've had on this trip. Possibly the worst mean I've ever had. KFC here is NOTHING like it is in the US. For starters the chicken breasts were tiny. What meat was on them was gross. The "original recipe" tasted nothing like the original recipe you'd get back home. It was greasier, and the fried part wasn't even fried properly. The mashed potatoes came in a container the size of a bottle cap (ok, a little bigger, but not much). At least those tasted ok, though it was one part potato one part gravy. The popcorn chicken was all dark meat chicken with a lots of random pieces of fat and ligaments still there. I didn't eat them at all. Oh, and the Pepsi was ice-less (this KFC had no ice according to their store manager).

Today I went to McDonald's for lunch on my way to the Forbidden City. I got three hamburgers and Coke for the equivalent of $3! To my absolute delight the hamburgers were identical to those you'd get in the States (I didn't try the fries, sorry). So was the Coke (I've always really liked Coke @ McDonald's because I think they water it down more than the Coke you buy in bottles. In any event, the Coke tasted just like it does @ every other McDonald's). As a frequent World Traveler (who, by his own admission is not an adventurous eater) I've eaten at my share of McDonald's throughout the World. From Cairo (and Luxor), to London, Istanbul, Pilsen, Berlin, Paris (yes, I was in a hurry), Tel Aviv and now Beijing I have patronized McDonald's across the globe. It's remarkable how consistent a McDonald's hamburger really is. It really makes no difference where you purchase one, it tastes exactly the same. How many things can you say that about? In the US, with many other options available to me, I never order them any more (why would you when In-n-Out is across the street?). However it's nice to know when I'm traveling abroad I can count on an old friend to deliver in the clutch.

Dauber's World Exclusive: How China Plans to Take Over the Wolrd

In my travels throughout China I have uncovered China's two-pronged attack in their quest to take over the World: toilet seat covers and universal outlets.

Anyone who has lived in California for any amount of time has undoubtedly become attached to the wonder that is toilet seats covers in every public restroom. When traveling to "exotic" places (like Chicago) us Californians must suffer through the ritual of carefully laying out toilet paper on the seat. China (or at least the major metro centers of Shanghai, Beijing and Hangzhou) all have toilet seat covers in every public restroom I've used. It's pretty remarkable considering I rarely see them outside of California. Think about this: If you were to visit Motorola's World Wide headquarters in Schaumburg, IL and you needed to "drop the kids off at the pool" you would have no protection from the prior user (unless you went through the toilet paper ritual). However, if you decided to pay a visit to the facilities in Hangzhou or Beijing you would be delighted to learn that there are in fact seat covers for you. What are the odds? This blogger believes that it's all part of a sinister plot by the Chinese to lull us into a false sense of security. Honestly, when are you more vulnerable then when you're sitting on the toilet? Your pants are literally down around your ankles. You're certainly not going to fight anyone in that condition. I think it's some sort of test today, but the Chinese are plotting as we speak.

Which brings me to the second stroke of genius that China has implemented in order to take over the World: universal power outlets! At first I just thought the hotels were making things easier for me (after all, hotels here are amazing). Then I visited some customers of mine and noticed they all had universal power outlets in their labs. As did the airport in Hangzhou. Think of the implications. In the US we have to buy electronics with US plugs. Same for Europe and the UK (as an aside does anyone have a worse plug than the UK? It's amazingly cumbersome and adds no perceivable value above other plug systems). The Chinese get to use anyone's plugs. They don't care. This is most likely a devious step on their part to get lower prices on everything. They already have a large advantage when it comes to cost of labor, now they're reducing the amount of money they'll need to spend on capital!

On The Road Again: Dauber Compliments Chinese Hotels?

Well, those of you that know me (which I presume is EVERYONE since why else would you read this blog) are certainly aware of my propensity to complain. It should therefore stun you to learn that in this blog I will praise, extol, applaud honor and adulate the hotels in China. One of my least favorite parts of international travel is the hotels. I typically travel abroad in Europe and while I love Europe the hotels are just awful (unless you spend a fortune), and even then they leave much to be desired. Now I know what you're thinking, "Dauber must be in a high-class hotel in China". You'd be correct now (I'm in the Grand Hyatt in Beijing), but this is also true of the Radisson I stayed at in Shanghai. A Radisson for G-d's sake! As my friend put it, "Radisson's aren't even fit for rodents!" Typically she's 100% correct, but check out the Radisson that I was staying in.

Chinese hotels are amazing. For starters they have normal sized showers and beds (please take note Europe!). They also give you all the soap and shampoo you need (again, Europe, no one is fooled by your "universal soap" -- I don't wash my face, body and hair with the same surfactant). Chinese hotels don't stop there however. The service is amazing. If there's a problem they take care of it in a hurry. Many of you have noticed that I'm what they call "high maintenance" so this is highly desirable for me. Also, all the hotels have gyms AND swimming pools (something else you won't find in many hotels in Europe or in major US cities). I stay at a great hotel in SF every-other week for Wharton (Le Meridien) and it has an amazing gym, but not pool/hot tub. The pools here aren't just pools, they're mock-ups of tropical islands!

The clincher though is the TV. Anyone who has gone to Europe knows that the TV is intolerable -- don't even turn it on. The only redeeming quality of European TV is that RTL (the German station) shows "advertisements" for a particular genre of 1 900 numbers late at night (if you're in to that sort of thing, and I'm obviously not). The only US TV station they typically have is CNN International which goes out of its way to NOT tell you any US sports scores (they'll tell you every cricket score on the planet and not tell you who won the MNF game!). Well look at the TV lineup I've had in my hotels: CNN, Bloomberg, CNBC, ESPN, HBO, Cinemax and a bonus movie station! I've never seen Cinemax in a hotel in the States, but to see it in China is amazing.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of things that are different (and complaint worthy) when traveling in China, but the hotels are not one of them.

But What Do They Do For The Female Police Officers?

Thailand, well known for its wonderful pad-thai and chicken satay skewers is working hard to reform its police department. Tired of police officers who who don't follow the rules Thailand has come up with a novel way of punishing its less-than-stellar officers. Officers caught breaking the rules will now be subject to wearing a Hello Kitty armband.

I think shame and humiliation are excellent ways to motivate a workforce, but I think it's interesting that the Thai Police department selected "Hello Kitty". Certainly it's embarrassing, but I wonder what other ideas were considered. Did they have a long list where Hello Kitty was selected as the best choice to shame truant officers, or was that the only option considered? The options seem quite plentiful.

How long before there's a black market for these arm bands on eBay? I'm sure some little girl could get her Dad to bid $100 for one of these. The real shame here is that Thailand is missing out on a great money making opportunity.

The other question is whether the Thai government had to license the likeness of Hello Kitty to put on their arm bands. Hello Kitty is trademarked, so they can't use the image freely. Wouldn't it be great if it turned out that the police department had illegally used the Hello Kitty logo? I wonder what the punishment would be for that...

Badgers? Badgers? Well, I Guess We Could Use a Couple

Sure it's called a "honey badger", but don't be fooled. These are ferocious, man-eating animals deployed by the British Military to attack Iraqis. Wait, that may not be true. I'll turn to the BBC to clarify...


Word spread among the populace that UK troops had introduced strange man-eating, bear-like beasts into the area to sow panic.

But several of the creatures, caught and killed by local farmers, have been identified by experts as honey badgers.

The rumors spread because the animals had appeared near the British base at Basra airport.

UK military spokesman Major Mike Shearer said: "We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area.

It is the size of a dog but his head is like a monkey
Housewife Suad Hassan

"We have been told these are indigenous nocturnal carnivores that don't attack humans unless cornered."

The director of Basra's veterinary hospital, Mushtaq Abdul-Mahdi, has inspected several of the animals' corpses.

He told the AFP news agency: "These appeared before the fall of the regime in 1986. They are known locally as Al-Girta.

"Talk that this animal was brought by the British forces is incorrect and unscientific."

French President Tries To Justify France's Seat on UN Security Council

Exactly three months ago Nicolas Sarkozy had his way with Socialist opponent Segolene Royal to become France's next President. Sarkozy, well aware of France's reputation in the World, promised to bring pride back to a nation that used to matter. "I want to give French people back the pride of being French -- to finish with repentance, which is a form of self-hate." After the World stopped laughing they took a wait-and-see attitude towards the French leader.

A quick survey of the internet shows just how big a task Sarkozy has in front of him:

Q: How are French babies born?
A: With their hands up (surrendering).

"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it."
-Marge Simpson

"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me."
-General George S. Patton

Yesterday, while vacationing with his family in Concord, New Hampshire, Sarkozy showed the World that France finally has a leader with some balls. Apparently angry at some photographers who hadn't received a translation of his earlier request to leave him and his family alone Sarkozy completely lost it. Clad only in his swimsuit Sarkozy pulled his boat alongside photographers' boat and jumped aboard their vessel! He immediately began screaming at them in French.

Freelance writer Vince DeWitt who was aboard the boat described the situation, “The president was very agitated, speaking French at a loud volume very rapidly."

Let this be a lesson to DeWitt and the rest of the World: Sarkozy is putting you on notice. He isn't your typical Frenchman. You f*ck with him, you better be prepared to pay the consequences.